Don't tell me, getting ready for those 5 minutes of canine humping takes you a whole day, just like reading three lines in a comments section, so you must chose or else fail at both. Life ain't easy when you are but a burned toast.
First, what's the point of having sex, or something akin to sex, when you end up jerking off alone, you could have used a dildo and got exactly the same result? Second, why the fake loud moans, did you get that from watching straight porn? It's annoying and distracting. Third, this is why I never fuck with 'tops or bottoms', they are so broken and predictable and boring.